Hi friends, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve actually posted a blog… Writing all day at work makes it so difficult to want to come home and write more. But today was kind of rough, and I feel like being vulnerable is the best thing I can do for myself right now. So, here it is.
Last week, Josh moved out and went back home after a couple of pretty shitty events turned his (and my) life upside down. To top it off, we had some serious conversations about where our relationship was heading. For the longest time, we’ve been planning on being engaged by the end of the year (our 5 year anniversary would’ve been on NYE), but now…that most likely won’t be happening.
I think the hardest part about dating someone when you’re literally growing up with them is that people change. And they’re supposed to. There’s nothing wrong with growth. What gets tricky is when love gets in the middle of that change, and you’re both no longer the same people you were when you were living carefree in a shitty dorm room with minimal responsibilities.
The thing is, I started dating Josh when I was 18. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship/dating someone off and on for all of high school, and I was “single” for like only three months before I jumped into a relationship with Josh. And I isolated myself. From my college roommate (which I regret so much), from making girlfriends, and making decisions that would literally change the course of my life just so we could be together (*cough cough* why I’m in Kentucky in the first place…). My life has revolved around him. My entire life is centered on making sure everyone around me is happy.
When Josh decided he wanted to stay in BG for another year for his job because he loved it so much, I begrudgingly agreed because, well, financially it was just a lot more feasible. But then things changed, and he wouldn’t be working at that “fabulous” job anymore. And now, he got to go home–to his family, to the place he loves.
And I’m stuck here.
As much as I’m angry, I’m excited to get to live on my own. One of the things Josh and I always argued about was that I always made X sacrifices for him, and it was honestly starting to make me really bitter. And as much as I’m lonely, I can only hope that this time by myself will make me come to terms with what I really want for my life, and not what my boyfriend/family/friends think I should be doing.
I’m not someone who handles being alone well, but I’m trying. I keep reminding myself that if you’re not being challenged, you’re not changing. I so desperately want and need to make some changes in my life, and as difficult as the last few weeks have been, I literally have no choice but to take control of my life and just do whatever sets my fucking heart on fire.
Leaving people behind is never easy, but I’m finally trying to put myself first and it feels amazingly bittersweet.
So, cheers to new beginnings, as hard as they may be.
Thanks for letting me share, y’all.